I finished reading the Primal Wound and I wanted to share some insights I gained from reading the book. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the book, it was written by psychiatrist, Nancy Verrier, from her perspective as 1.) an adoptive mother who both adopted and had natural children 2.) a therapist who worked extensively with adult adoptees and the issues they faced throughout their lives. She speaks a lot of her experiences with her adopted daughter and many of the issues they faced as well.

She refers to the Primal Wound as an unconscious trauma adoptees experience when they are separated from their biological mother.

I related wholeheartedly to her definition of the primal wound and its impact in my life. This feeling of emptiness that occasionally comes over me IS the primal wound. I have wondered off and on whether or not I will ever TRULY know where I came from or who I am so, what really affected me was learning that (and it makes complete rational sense, I just never thought about it) being of the same flesh as my birth mother meant that I was physiologically and psychologically connected to her. I never thought about what an impact or “trauma” the separation from my biological mother was. After reading the book, I do believe that when our bond was severed, so was my development of self and that as a result, I have developed somewhat of a split personality ... the one that acts a certain way for my adoptive family, and the one that, unless I am around other freeks (and I mean that in the nicest way), is tucked deep inside screaming for release. I think the latter COULD be that missing part of myself, or it could just be the part that has developed as a coping mechanism. Strange though it may seem, it appears to be primal, this somewhat surreal and spiritual voice inside, so it truly makes me wonder. There have been instances when I have allowed myself to be true to that inner voice and in those instances, I am empowered, comforted and feel fulfilled. It is strange though, feeling like I’m not able to share those parts of myself with my family. It hurts to hide it from them and creates a distance, bringing to the surface the many differences between us (which I definitely feel more and more).

Do any of you experience this?

At 35, I am still contemplating searching … but haven’t committed myself just yet. I don’t know if my biological mother would dig the true me either or if meeting her would help me gain that sense of identity. I KNOW it’s possible the grass WON’T be greener and that I may even be completely rejected so, I’m still trying to ascertain whether or not I am strong enough and/or WANT to expend my energy in that direction.

I agree with what Aggra said, I think it is extremely important (for all adoptees) to create our own legacies. Regardless of whether or not I search, whether or not I find her or whether or not she accepts/rejects me, I have to find PEACE with WHO I AM sans the hope that I may reconnect one day. I realize my main goal has to be to be TRUE to myself and who I envision myself being and becoming. I believe if I tap into what I feel is a universal connectedness and that inner voice, I will be led in the right direction, regardless and eventually, not only will I overcome my fears and the secrecy that has surrounded my adoptive self, I will also be nurturing that lost part of myself by doing so.

Throughout the book Verrier talks a lot about the fact that most adult adoptees have abandonment issues. As far as I’m concerned, the jury is still out on that one. A bit more introspection … we’ll see where I land.

What about this idea of “splitting” feelings (good vs. bad) and assigning one trait to the adoptive parents and one trait to the biological parents?

I truly understand WHY my biological mother relinquished me and I harbor no ill feelings towards my adoptive parents either. In fact, quite the contrary. I feel both sets of parents did the best they could with what they’d been given. I don’t play the “what if” game. There was so much more to that book but, in many regards, I couldn’t relate. I feel like I have done a good job dealing with my life realistically, which made me feel like I’m actually pretty emotionally healthy overall.

I look forward to hearing any feedback or insights you have!
Thanks for listening!!