The idea of parents feels pretty abstract to me really... (except that I am one--so in that way it is real and wonderful--though I am having to let go as my son is rapidly growing apart from me as a young man).
I searched for my birthmother when I was 26, found she had died 7 years earlier. Hard not to kick myself for not searching earlier. I am in loose touch with her family--though they are pretty distant and cool...there have been some moments of connection and feeling a sense of family with them.
Mostly I feel that I have let go of it all...have a wonderful life (though a partner would be nice!), a family with my son and his siblings and dad, and many creative and passionate interests. I spent a lot of time in therapy and with myself feeling the pain and loss...it is more rare that it comes up now.
My birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks--maybe I am feeling it a little bit right now--and that is what has me writing this....(a few tears well up)
Thanks for reading this...it feels good to share and know that someone who gets this stuff will at some point be on the other end...maybe even appreciating my words too.
I searched for my birthmother when I was 26, found she had died 7 years earlier. Hard not to kick myself for not searching earlier. I am in loose touch with her family--though they are pretty distant and cool...there have been some moments of connection and feeling a sense of family with them.
Mostly I feel that I have let go of it all...have a wonderful life (though a partner would be nice!), a family with my son and his siblings and dad, and many creative and passionate interests. I spent a lot of time in therapy and with myself feeling the pain and loss...it is more rare that it comes up now.
My birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks--maybe I am feeling it a little bit right now--and that is what has me writing this....(a few tears well up)
Thanks for reading this...it feels good to share and know that someone who gets this stuff will at some point be on the other end...maybe even appreciating my words too.
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SF Bay Area
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Re: Any other adoptees who have *no* parents left? (Or who searched and found their birthmother had already died)?
Sun, September 17, 2006 - 8:04 PMOh my gosh Stillfire......now that I see your original post I want you to know I know exactly how you feel. I too am kicking myself. My (adoptive) parents were the most wonderful folks on earth, but they died when I was 19 and 26. Now at 36 I finally filed papers with the state to get info on my birth parents (an incredibly easy option for adoptees here in Wisconsin) and find out my birthmom died three years ago. Worse, the man on my original birth certificate is not my biological father but my birthmom's husband at the time. SO I'm sure he has no interest in hearing from me, nor do my 9 siblings (half-siblings, I presume), even if the state could put us in contact, which they cannot without my birthmom's consent.
So I'm alone once again, and this time for good. No longer will there be a hope. All these years of wondering, over with a phone call. I always wanted to be a part of a big family, now I find out there is one out there with my genes but I can't touch them. This is going to haunt me forever because I got the papers at least 4 or 5 times since 1993ish but never sent them in!!!!!
A small consolation is the fact that I will soon receive in the mail some extensive info my birthmom sent to the agency in 1994. It sounds like some questions will definitely be answered including the circumstances of my birth and adoption as well as a lot of updated medical info on her and my siblings. I will appreciate that, but today I am mourning a woman I never knew but in the most intimate of ways.
As I said, it sounds like we have very similar circumstances. Please let me know when you read this - I'd love to chat more.
:-)
Chris -
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Re: Any other adoptees who have *no* parents left? (Or who searched and found their birthmother had already died)?
Mon, September 18, 2006 - 4:32 PMHi Chris,
I wouldn't discount him not wanting to hear from you. If nothing else he may be kind enough to at least pass your information on to you siblings. And even if they are only 1/2 sibs, they are still blood.
My birthmother was also married to a man who was not my father. That is part of the reason that she gave me up. She didn't want him to be mean to me about it. She did however give a name for a man in the Air Force, as my birthfather, but all roads have dead ended there.
I hope the information you get in the mail will have something heartening for you. Sorry she had already died. -
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Re: Any other adoptees who have *no* parents left? (Or who searched and found their birthmother had already died)?
Fri, September 22, 2006 - 12:34 PMThanks Paula.
It turns out I don't have 9 siblings - I have none. (The caseworker was confused by a list in the file.) There was a husband, but they were separated for years and divorced right after I was born. My biological father is not named anywhere, and she reported that she didn't inform him of the pregnancy. I've actually already made contact with her sister - my biological aunt - due to some super-sleuthing. She was very nice and said she'd be happy to have me up to show me photos and 'fill me in on a lot of stuff'. So needless to say, I look forward to that.
Good luck to you in your search. I wish I could help with avenues to try but I'm afraid I don't have much experience with it.
:-)
Chris
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