Adopted's topics - tribe.net

Staring myself in the face

gangsterboyscout — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 08:15:03 GMT

Tonight I stared myself in the face and shook my boy's hand - entirely by accident.
I was adopted and grew up tripping at the idea of no one looking like me with a quiet and unsettling knowing that someone looked like me.
That itch got scratched 15 years ago when I tracked down my birth mother. After a happy reunion and 3 years of magical connection it all went bad and i found myself pretty grateful that my upbringing was the only thing standing between me and my criminal genetics. End of story, book shut.
Until tonight when I bumped into an old drama from 16 years ago wherein a girl turned up pregnant and no one was sure whether it was mine or her husband's. He slapped down any suggestion that it was anyone's other than his and frankly, given the times, so be it.
16 years later I crossed paths with that man again and it was all water under the bridge. He introduced me to his son. I looked at him. I looked at his father. I saw a whole bunch of his mom in him. Then I saw a whole lotta nadda of his dad.

Then I noticed the eyes.
And the dark curly hair.
And that square head.
And when i shook his hand goodbye
I realized it fit perfectly in mine,
as if i were shaking my own.

The wheels slowly started to turn and I put pieces into place and it wasnt till the ride home that it really sunk in. That was my boy.
Though i am not his father. That man, looking nothing like him stood beside him tonight. I have no intention of reigniting that fire. It nearly got us both killed a long time ago.
It sure stirred up a cauldron in me though. Regret, relief, longing, pride, sadness and a long dormant ache. One that I get to live with because to scratch it means to do it at everyone else's expense.
First do no harm.

I'll happily cheer from a distance for the connection clearly evident between you and your dad. I know him and know he's raised you well.

Enjoy the ride, my boy.

posted in Adopted - 0 replies

Finding out about my Birthmother

tiffercorn — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 14:55:00 GMT

Xin Chao (Hello) from Saigon,

As some of you know, I was on Live TV Saturday night, and I want to tell you what transpired.

To start at the beginning...last fall I moved to the city-center from the University due to noise problems in the guest house. I lived near Lenin Park at a flat where two of my friends also stayed. There was another room upstairs, and a man named Richard who had lived there before moved back in. His girlfriend Minh and he and all of us ended up having brunch at Cafe 129 one morning and Minh asked about my birthmother. She mentioned that she used to work for VTV and knew I was headed down to Saigon early December. She tried to connect me to some of her friends, but it was unsuccessful for some reason. However when I got back to Hanoi, she introduced me to this man Mr. Hai, who introduced me to his friend Ms. Uyen. She happened to be the producer and host of this TV show dedicated to helping people search for their missing relatives in Vietnam. Mainly people who's families had been severed due to the war.

When I was in Saigon in December, I went searching on my own. This included a visit to the hospital where I was born. I met a nun who I had heard still worked there. Sister Mary Vincent is 81 years old and has worked there for 35 years. She took me to the room where all the babies are born. It's more like a circular room with 5 rooms shooting out from the circle. I felt so honored to be allowed to see that place. Then they told me the address where my birthmother had lived was now a public park. I went to the park with a friend and we met some old men at a cafe, and they told me to try this other address. I thought it was the place with police, so we could ask where the people had been relocated to in Saigon when the park was built 30 years ago. But it was actually the newspaper and since it was evening or a Sunday, it was closed. That ended my search as I had to return to teach in Hanoi.

The camera crew came to Hanoi in May and shot some footage of me teaching and volunteering and did and interview in Lenin Park. They even shot me on my bicycle :) I have the DVDs to show you when I see you. They also had a man retrace my footsteps and he was able to find my birth family. However, they didn't reveal this until I was on the program the other night. After introducing me, she showed me a picture of my birth mom when she was 30 years old. I look a lot like her. She also told me she was sad to tell me that she passed away in 1978. She was epileptic and her seizures grew worse and worse until she died during one of them. I was able to meet my half-brothers and sisters who came to the show. I will be able to get a copy of the show on DVD soon. I cried a lot after I went back to sit down. It was like a sense of loss and grief that I've carried with me so long just came to the surface and I had a different sense of loss and grief, but also a little bit of relief that this missing link of my life is no longer such a mystery. Still it felt I was hit by a train or something, this heavy impact.

Today I feel much better than Saturday night, when I felt so exhausted mentally, emotionally, physically. I met with my half-brothers and sister at their home yesterday and spent 4 hours doing a sort of Q&A. It turns out that the story my mother gave the adoption agency and the story they had been told as children was different. I believe to protect them, and the families honor, the truth was hidden from them their whole lives. If you don't know the story, my birthmother's husband fought for the South Vietnamese army and was sent far way to fight. Since he was unable to send any money, my Mother had to "make contact" with a disabled Vietnamese soldier to earn money to feed her other 4 children. When he returned a year later, she was obviously pregant through this other affair and although she begged his family's forgiveness, they said if she wished to remain with them she would have to give me up. They did tell me that they remember she was gone for 20 days during my birth, and that when she returned home she cried a lot. They were all told that I died on the C5A crash during the babylift. I actually went out on the next flight the next day on Pan Am, but I guess that story stopped any more questions.

I think since the father fought for the losing side, they were shafted when they were relocated due to the building of the park. They went from living in a 30 something meter room to now living in a room that is just 1m x 3m x 7m for seven people. They did not ask for money, or for further contact, and for that I was happy. Tuy, also adopted but who has since learned the language, did a phenomenal job of translating with cultural sensitivity. I did end up giving them a gift of money, to help them with things they might need, along with some mix CD's (they have no tv, and probably don't have a disc player though) and some sage from California to add to the family alter. Since they lost their mother at a young age, the two brothers had to drop out of school around 8th grade and they became Xe Om drivers *motorcycle taxi guys*. I think they just scrape by...so I told them that I felt really lucky and wanted to share some of my luckiness with them, and they seemed really touched by that.

I have decided to stay in Saigon longer and skip out traveling South in the Delta. I will go to the medical clinic tomorrow to do the DNA testing with my older brother (which there was no fuss about), then next weekend go to visit their father who is in the hospital with lung cancer. I would also like to visit my Birth Mother's grave to pay my respects and bring some flowers and thank her for watching over me all these years. I think in this way, she was able to fulfil a role that she would have done naturally if she had the choice.

When I studied abroad in Ireland my Sr. year of college in Belfast I saw a tarot card reader. At the end of the reading he asked if I had any specific questions and I inquired about my Birth Mother. He told me then, he believed she'd passed on into the spirit world, but was looking after me, protecting me, guiding me, etc...so when she pulled out the photo
before she even told me, I somehow knew what the answer would be. It was a big shock, and I was pretty speechless thereafter.

Right now I'm trying to take note of these feelings and write down some of my thoughts so that I can process them more thoroughly on the road. I feel grateful that there are people here (other adoptees) that care for me and have been able to comfort me through this. It helps to be with someone who has walked the same path and did the same search and felt the same feelings. I have been able to satisfy this life-long curiosity and I don't look at it as an ending, but somewhat as closing the book on the mystery I thought I'd just always live with. This closure is a welcome shift, but I also feel that its an opening of a whole new chapter of possibilities. I would like to assist my blood brothers and sisters in the future and get to know them better. Maybe not give them a hand-out, but a "hand up". The tools that they need to better generate a business, sustain themselves and do more than just survive. More than anything, I feel so fortunate. I am a big believer in fate/destiny; that part of me is very Vietnamese. I felt like the Universe really made everything fall into place, and the journey/quest has lead to success where many have tried and failed. I never ceased to be amazed by life's little surprises. It feels more good than ever, just to be alive.

Love,
Tiffany

_______________________________

For those of you that missed it, the show will be rebroadcast Saturday afternoon from 2-3pm, the 12th of July 2008, on VTV1.

Or you can watch by the link below:
http://media.vtv.vn click on VTV1 in the bar. - If the connection is good, the show could be online. But it will be in the Vietnamese language.

At the moment, you can check the video of the show at: http://haylentieng.vn/ but good luck navigating the site, as its in Vietnamese.

There was also a Newspaper article that came out...also in Vietnamese (sorry)

http://www4.thanhnien.com.vn/Doisong/2008/7/6/248896.tno

posted in Adopted - 1 reply

classmates.com

beblissful — Tue, 06 May 2008 02:57:07 GMT

Hello,

I am a new member of this group. I am adopted since birth and have been very fortunate to find my birth mother via classmates.com. I never would of thought of searching there, but fortunately read this as a suggestion. I've had great luck, only emailing back and forth so far....but it's been amazingly positive. I wanted to share this hoping that I can help others. Not sure if this has been mentioned before.....sorry if I am only repeating earlier discussion.

Best wishes to everyone,

Sarah

posted in Adopted - 2 replies

...day's in between...

festivebeer — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 07:22:09 GMT

Born on June 10th... adopted on June 12th...
that makes the 11th my day in between...

there where days...
there where days...
and there where days between...

posted in Adopted - 5 replies

GSA, International Adoption, Forced Adoption, other issues

wesunruh — Tue, 11 Sep 2007 22:03:26 GMT

Alterati.com has published my recent article "Unrelated Thoughts" where I try to get some sort of grasp on all these issues that seem to slip behind the veils of popular myths surrounding adoption. Here's teh whole article:

==> http://www.alterati.com/blog/?p=1332

I'd appreciate feedback, either here there or by way of message

posted in Adopted - 0 replies

AdoptedOnline.com - Social Network for Adoptees!

John — Fri, 27 Jul 2007 20:37:59 GMT

Hello!

We are currently looking to build an online virtual community for all those who have been adopted! Our goal is to become an amazingly diverse and dynamic place for people to network, encourage, and grow as adoptees.

http://www.adoptedonline.com

We are currently in Beta-Test phase and are looking for passionate adopted individuals who are interested in helping us build this online community.

If you are interested in learning more and receiving a invitation to join, please contact myself or petersaddington@gmail.com

Thanks!

John Saddington
Founder

posted in Adopted - 0 replies

Birthdays

Stillfire — Tue, 08 May 2007 05:17:51 GMT

Funny--I was going to title my post here "birthday blues)--but then i decided that was far too cutesy for what i and most adoptees i know go through around our birthdays. Mine is this Sat. Ironically (or not)--I was born on Mother's Day too. I have come a long way--from years ago when I used to spend so many days and weeks and even months preceding my birthday--going through sadness and so many other complex feelings...and yet--still, there are feelings that come up as I approach this day. It is always a tough day to celebrate, even though I eventually do, and know that I want to celebrate that I am here on this planet, even if no one was happy about it the day I was born. That is sad--there ought to be joy and love and celebration when every baby is born. The day my son was born was one of the happiest days of my life. Being the mother to him that I didn't have, has been a full circle kind of healing for me.

I may write more as the weekend approaches. But for now--I guess I just wanted to express some of my feelings, in hopes that some of you might read it and understand. I sometimes feel that only other adoptees can fully understand what it is like.

It would feel good to hear others' words regarding birthday experiences/feelings.

Thanks.

posted in Adopted - 4 replies

Birth Psychology - Excerpt that resonated with me I want to SHARE with YOU

tiffercorn — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 20:18:51 GMT

Once Removed
by Marcy Axness

Once removed
That is how I have felt for most of my life. Standing apart once removed from the stuff of real, human life. Outside once removed looking in, an alien. Exempt from some invisible, inscrutable core human experience connection that seemed to initiate everyone else into some grand cosmic family to which I was merely a step-child. An adopted child. A surrendered child.
Cast in the fire of disconnection. Unplanned. A mistake. An inconvenience. Carried by a mother who saw me as a "gift" she was making for a nice, infertile couple. My first mother didn't so much reject me as much as simply fail to claim me as a significant part of her own life, even during her pregnancy. I suffered from premature relinquishment, since she let me go once removed without ever really having me.
All of my relationships found their blueprint in that foundational indifference, and shaped themselves around the invisible once removed scars on my soul. My adulthood became a stage whereupon I reenacted that first intimate relationship, in which I felt too loosely held, too faintly regarded, too unclaimed. So I would urge my co-star of the moment claim me for the moment find me good find me fine find me so I can find me too. And they would, for awhile. But a force no less than Destiny herself had deemed me once removed unkeepable. My co-stars always fulfilled the obligations of their role, to not be able to give me what I needed, to agree to part amicably, indifferently, to set up the inevitable scene for me: I find my way back to the void.
I have found healing by stepping into that void, by staring down into the endless black of it. My gift in return for that harrowing journey is a life with connection, with a loving husband, a beautiful family. But the knowledge is still there. The truth is still there. Down there deep, where the snake resides, where my body resists going, fighting it with every fiber, every cell, fighting by simply stepping down to an idle so slow that I might simply stall out. Yes, the truth is still there, coiled up and waiting: the primary, shaping reality of my life, disconnection. It is where I still revert in times of stress or trauma, because that is how my brain and my psyche are wired. I was cast in the fire of separation, and despite all my years of tender and compassionate tending of that wound, despite all the years of carefully constructing a life that includes intimate connections, my body knows that at the core of me still squalls that once removed baby in the void... insignificant... alone.
And yet, just as true is that the years unspool, and Destiny reveals a sliver of the Big Picture at a time... We reunite. We struggle, we ache, we thrill, we drink in echoes of our selves reflected in the other. We dabble in the folly of trying to recoup the lost years. We reenact the severed connection in our poignant and feeble human attempt to create a different outcome, to somehow make it right. But it cannot be made right. It just is. And when we can hold that brutal truth, we are no longer once removed disconnected, from each other, from ourselves, from humanity, from God.
© 1999, Marcy Wineman Axness

For MORE amazing reading of writing on this subject visit:

www.birthpsychology.com/births...on.html

posted in Adopted - 3 replies

Angelina Jolie

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 06:42:34 GMT

Well, ok, this isn't really about Angelina Jolie and this may have already been discussed. I honestly can't remember. I am a great moderator, no?

What do you think about wealthy or famous people who have special allowances made or their adoption process is fast tracked in order to receive a child faster? Do you think it's acceptable? They obviously have the means to financially support many children who need homes, so why not? Or why yes?

Everytime I hear about a celebrity who adopts a child I honestly feel all icky inside about it. I am quite sure why. Ok, maybe I do know why, but
I'd love to hear someone else's opinion before seriously forming my own.

posted in Adopted - 1 reply

on my way "home"

tiffercorn — Tue, 01 May 2007 14:45:02 GMT

so after several years of talking about it, i'm actually springing into action on this one.
now that i have citizenship and a passport (10 years after i find my parents, oops, forgot to naturalize me) i am finally able to go and live abroad. so i stumbled across a yahoo post on VAN *Vietnamese Adoptee Network* and saw an opportunity to volunteer to teach english in vietnam for a year under a ford foundation fellowship. so I applied in feb. and got one of the four that were up for grabs!

i leave june 25th and am so excited to sell all my stuff and clear room for a whole world of new experiences. it's a bit intimidating, as i don't know vietnamese and the classes i've had will not prepare me for total immersion. yet i just know that it will come in its own time, and a helluva lot faster than taking class once a week here for like, an hour and a half.

emotionally it's been a bit of a rollercoaster ride, as i'm sure you can imagine. as far as searching for birth mom...i don't have a clear intention yet, we'll see...maybe i will feel stronger about it one way or another when i am there. for sure it would be good to know some vietnamese in case i do track down some family. just returning to my roots is something i've always dreamed about doing and now i feel like i am living that dream. questions abound, like how will people view me, treat me? how will i adjust to the weather? will i love it so much i'll never want to return?

my family is supportive, although my mom is really sad that she won't get to talk to me every week or see me a few times a year. it's like her kids just keep moving farther and farther away.

anyhow, i thought i would share with you my journey. at some point i will have a blog up for people to follow if they want. in addition i will be doing a service project for orphanages in need of repair and maintenance work, so if you feel like contributing and adding to the $1000 that the fellowship is providing, just contact me personally.

hugs,
tiffany
duong thi my chi

posted in Adopted - 1 reply

Would you adopt?

Tue, 19 Dec 2006 09:33:52 GMT

Would you consider adoption? Do you think that because we are adopted we might make "better" parents to those we adopt?

posted in Adopted - 6 replies

KAD's

3bluenight — Sat, 16 Dec 2006 06:46:31 GMT

Hello,
My name is Heath. I'm a Korean Adoptee raised in the U.S. and currently living in California.

I thought I'd post, as I've been doing quite a bit of reading on the KAD experience and I would be interested in corresponding with other adoptees, as well as parents of adoptees.

thanks

posted in Adopted - 3 replies

The lack of rights for adoptees is such bullshit.

Schpanky — Mon, 31 Oct 2005 23:39:33 GMT

Why is it that WE have to spend OUR money and time and energy and efforts seeking someone who made the decision (for us) to cut us off from our roots? The lack of rights for adoptees is such bullshit.
Has any real progress been made?
Who are the people working on our behalf?
All resources are welcome.
Gaia

posted in Adopted - 8 replies

The Primal Wound feedback

Schpanky — Tue, 11 Oct 2005 00:14:03 GMT

I finished reading the Primal Wound and I wanted to share some insights I gained from reading the book. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the book, it was written by psychiatrist, Nancy Verrier, from her perspective as 1.) an adoptive mother who both adopted and had natural children 2.) a therapist who worked extensively with adult adoptees and the issues they faced throughout their lives. She speaks a lot of her experiences with her adopted daughter and many of the issues they faced as well.

She refers to the Primal Wound as an unconscious trauma adoptees experience when they are separated from their biological mother.

I related wholeheartedly to her definition of the primal wound and its impact in my life. This feeling of emptiness that occasionally comes over me IS the primal wound. I have wondered off and on whether or not I will ever TRULY know where I came from or who I am so, what really affected me was learning that (and it makes complete rational sense, I just never thought about it) being of the same flesh as my birth mother meant that I was physiologically and psychologically connected to her. I never thought about what an impact or “trauma” the separation from my biological mother was. After reading the book, I do believe that when our bond was severed, so was my development of self and that as a result, I have developed somewhat of a split personality ... the one that acts a certain way for my adoptive family, and the one that, unless I am around other freeks (and I mean that in the nicest way), is tucked deep inside screaming for release. I think the latter COULD be that missing part of myself, or it could just be the part that has developed as a coping mechanism. Strange though it may seem, it appears to be primal, this somewhat surreal and spiritual voice inside, so it truly makes me wonder. There have been instances when I have allowed myself to be true to that inner voice and in those instances, I am empowered, comforted and feel fulfilled. It is strange though, feeling like I’m not able to share those parts of myself with my family. It hurts to hide it from them and creates a distance, bringing to the surface the many differences between us (which I definitely feel more and more).

Do any of you experience this?

At 35, I am still contemplating searching … but haven’t committed myself just yet. I don’t know if my biological mother would dig the true me either or if meeting her would help me gain that sense of identity. I KNOW it’s possible the grass WON’T be greener and that I may even be completely rejected so, I’m still trying to ascertain whether or not I am strong enough and/or WANT to expend my energy in that direction.

I agree with what Aggra said, I think it is extremely important (for all adoptees) to create our own legacies. Regardless of whether or not I search, whether or not I find her or whether or not she accepts/rejects me, I have to find PEACE with WHO I AM sans the hope that I may reconnect one day. I realize my main goal has to be to be TRUE to myself and who I envision myself being and becoming. I believe if I tap into what I feel is a universal connectedness and that inner voice, I will be led in the right direction, regardless and eventually, not only will I overcome my fears and the secrecy that has surrounded my adoptive self, I will also be nurturing that lost part of myself by doing so.

Throughout the book Verrier talks a lot about the fact that most adult adoptees have abandonment issues. As far as I’m concerned, the jury is still out on that one. A bit more introspection … we’ll see where I land.

What about this idea of “splitting” feelings (good vs. bad) and assigning one trait to the adoptive parents and one trait to the biological parents?

I truly understand WHY my biological mother relinquished me and I harbor no ill feelings towards my adoptive parents either. In fact, quite the contrary. I feel both sets of parents did the best they could with what they’d been given. I don’t play the “what if” game. There was so much more to that book but, in many regards, I couldn’t relate. I feel like I have done a good job dealing with my life realistically, which made me feel like I’m actually pretty emotionally healthy overall.

I look forward to hearing any feedback or insights you have!
Thanks for listening!!

posted in Adopted - 4 replies

Any other adoptees who have no parents left? (Or who searched and found their birthmother had already died)?

Stillfire — Thu, 27 Apr 2006 02:32:46 GMT

The idea of parents feels pretty abstract to me really... (except that I am one--so in that way it is real and wonderful--though I am having to let go as my son is rapidly growing apart from me as a young man).

I searched for my birthmother when I was 26, found she had died 7 years earlier. Hard not to kick myself for not searching earlier. I am in loose touch with her family--though they are pretty distant and cool...there have been some moments of connection and feeling a sense of family with them.

Mostly I feel that I have let go of it all...have a wonderful life (though a partner would be nice!), a family with my son and his siblings and dad, and many creative and passionate interests. I spent a lot of time in therapy and with myself feeling the pain and loss...it is more rare that it comes up now.

My birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks--maybe I am feeling it a little bit right now--and that is what has me writing this....(a few tears well up)

Thanks for reading this...it feels good to share and know that someone who gets this stuff will at some point be on the other end...maybe even appreciating my words too.

posted in Adopted - 3 replies

Freakonomics (Or how two idiots got rich in America)

lumin0us — Tue, 23 May 2006 01:02:47 GMT

The authors of this book used ONE source to determine (on page 171) that adopted children have lower IQs than other children. This book is filled with offensive crap that has no real research to support any of it, yet it's on The Washington Post's bestseller list.

"...a woman who knows she will put her baby up for adoption may not take the same prenatal care as a woman who is keeping her baby. (Consider--at the risk of furthering the distasteful thinking--how you treat a car you own versus a car you are renting for the weekend...)"

I guess that now I'll have to keep my adoptive past a secret so that people won't know about my low IQ...

posted in Adopted - 1 reply

Hello, from an International Adoptee

Livia — Mon, 18 Sep 2006 04:07:48 GMT

Hello,

I'm new to this group, and fairly new to tribe. I'd like to connect to other adoptees, and I'm also wondering if there are any other international adoptees from Europe here.

After a long time of not really connecting with other people who were adopted, I'm feeling the need to. I recently finished an eight week long process group for adoptees. It was a good experience to begin to talk about those feelings again, and I'd love to make some connections with people that have shared similar experiences.

A little bit about me: I was adopted when I was four and a half from Lisbon, Portugal. My birth sisters were also brought here, but we were adopted into different familes. I found them both about ten years ago, and we've been in touch ever since. I haven't had much luck finding my birthmother, who is still in Portugal. I haven't done any searching recently, since it's very emotionally draining and I want to be in a place where I'm ready for that energy investment.

I'm also a very creative person, so I would love to hear from other people who are exploring their creativity and spirituality, as well.

posted in Adopted - 0 replies

Was hoping to get a response to my post (anyone else who has no parents or whose birthmother died)...

Stillfire — Sat, 06 May 2006 02:12:56 GMT

Oh well, I am disappointed that this tribe doesn't seem super active... was hoping to hear from others in some similar situation or with some sense of resonance...

posted in Adopted - 9 replies

favorite book on adoption

xtinemac — Sat, 06 May 2006 07:36:59 GMT

I have a book that helped me a ton. "Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness" by Betty Jean Lifton.

I would be very interested in hearing about other books on adoption (or websites, etc) that have really made an impact on how you view yourself and your circumstances.

Thanks! Look forward to your responses!
Christine

posted in Adopted - 2 replies

My pet peeve

xtinemac — Tue, 29 Aug 2006 22:27:58 GMT

So, I was in a meeting and unfortunately someone passed away. When reading about his contact person for more info, she was referred to as his "adopted daughter". WTF????

Seems if we question our adoption and any feelings around it, we should be "grateful", but when it comes down to the family bond, we are the "adopted daughter"?

While I'm at it I also hate when I mention I'm adopted and someone says," REALLY! Have you ever wanted to meet your parents?" or "Do you wonder what your parents are like?" or "What if you have brothers and sisters out there!" or "When did you find out!?" And follow up with some other really deep, personal questions.

This has always bothered me. It is my personal pet peeve. I know I am just more sensitive to it. I liken it to a story one of my friends tells. He wears oxygen and has the little tubes in his nose. People will say, "what do you have?", and he'll say, "emphysema." Some will respond with something like, "My aunt died of that!"

We all have our buttons, I suppose! Just needed to get that off my chest.

posted in Adopted - 2 replies

I want to adopt! Hit me, please!

EmO — Tue, 29 Aug 2006 16:16:42 GMT

Hi! This seems to be the right place to smooth down my dreams of adoption. Let me say a word or two about myself. I'm a student of psychology and I'm specialising in humanitarian third-world issues, more exactly, I'm in research field which applies modern psychology to Third world problems. As long as I remember, I've wanted to adopt children. 3000 children are get orphan each DAY on this planet and I think it is just unfair to make biological children when there are so many orphans without homes.

Recently, I've been working in one African country and I'm going to work there for some years in the future, that meaning, it will be my second homeland where many of my friends live. This country is at the bottom of each measuring scale, for example, expected lifetime is under 40 years. Every fourth person has HIV/AIDS and there are over BILLION orphans in the country. And that's just a "nice" estimation. A whole generation of 20-30 year old people have died and more are still dying. Every second local family is already fostering an orphan relative so they cannot shelter everyone. Most orphans end up to the streets where they beg and sell themselves, or get trafficked as slaves. All that to give you the idea of a country I'm talking about. So, we are planning to adopt some kids over there, while we are also working to improve the nation in professional area.

But now when I read your stories... It makes me wonder... First of all, is there anyone here who has been adopted from Third world to western country? Is there anyone here, who is an actual orphan, meaning that real parents and other family actually died and child was taken to an orphanage? Not like, given away for adoption? Anyone adopted from so-called un-developed country, or a country with war or other crisis history? Is your story and experiences different from those who have been adopted from the same country & culture? Is there anyone here who has been older than 2 years at the time of adoption?

And also, how do you other guys reflect your childhood to these visions? Would you still be just as angry and frustrated over your lost biological parents if you knew (or "knew") that your true mommy actually died as a victim of national epidemia, in a country where welfare laws are non-existent and where the other option would have been at BEST staying in a charity orphanage and eating maize porridge each day for survival? I'm being little provocative here cause I really want some opinions and feelings. How would you have felt? Would you be mad that you're taken away from your original country and taught a new language?

So there you go. Try to stop me. Try to convince me that adopting a child would not be a good idea. I'm really grateful if you can stop me from doing stupid things. Otherwise I'll start the official bureaucracy very soon and then there's no turning back from it.

posted in Adopted - 14 replies

New group: Ugly Ducklings - foreign-born adult adoptees in U.S. and others

lalunamusica — Sat, 06 Aug 2005 04:22:11 GMT

Hey check out the new tribe. We can learn from each other!

posted in Adopted - 2 replies

Looking to make some new connections with other adoptees (esp. bay area but other areas welcome too)

Stillfire — Sat, 06 May 2006 02:25:53 GMT

I used to be really plugged into adoptee support groups etc. It's been a while, and although it is not as central of a theme in my life, I would still welcome new connections with other adoptees. There is a level in which I find only adoptees really understand the depth of what we go thtough...and how it is lifelong.

I posted last week and was disappointed to not get any responses (re: "no parents")

My birthday is coming up next week and I am having moments of pain and sadness...sense of being lost...mostly I am fine and grateful to have many wonderful friends and family close to me...

If anyone (especially if you are in the Santa Cruz or Bay Area) would like to explore a connection--via email, phone, whatever...I would be interested. Even if just for the occasional phone call or email to say "do you understand what it is like?" and to know that you would. It seems there are certain parts of experience that we all get on a deep level.

Thanks for reading my post.

posted in Adopted - 6 replies

Famous Adoptees

chaiguy — Wed, 15 Mar 2006 18:30:02 GMT

Hey All,

I just watched a tv show last night about Darryl McDaniels (1/2 of the hip hop group RUN-DMC) and his process of finding his biological parents. It seemst that Darryl learned of his adoption when he was 35 years old!

Darryl went through some rough times in his life, one of his best friends was recently killed (Jam Master Jay, also of RUN-DMC), and at one point was contemplating suicide, but found salvation in a song by Sarah McLachlan. After learning he was adopted, Darryl wanted to collaborate with her on remaking Harry Chapin's classic song, "Cats in the Cradle", Sarah McLachlan agreed, and also confided in him that she too was adopted!

I found the story rather inspiring, as I am a fan of both musician's work. I wonder if there are any other famous adoptees?

posted in Adopted - 7 replies

I got my passport yesterday!!!!!

tiffercorn — Fri, 10 Mar 2006 16:34:44 GMT

So, I first applied when I was a junior in college...I think I'd just turned 21...so it was denied because we found out my parents had dropped the ball on my becoming a citizen. It happened to a lot of us...we fell through the cracks or our parents were eating too many funny brownies...anyway, TEN years later, and I finally am free to travel the world as a legitimate U.S. Citizen...and now I can vote legally too! I was illegal for 21 years and never knew. I'm planning a trip to Thailand in October...that will be the first of many trips abroad. YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

posted in Adopted - 0 replies

Swing the Door Open!

muscleego — Fri, 20 Jan 2006 03:32:30 GMT

Hey fellow adoptees,

Just got back from Vietnam. Toured the South, Central, and North. I went to see my homeland and visit the orphanage that took me in during the Vietnam war. I thought it would be an avalanche of complicated emotions but in fact it turned out to be relief and elation. I visited the gravesite of the nuns who took care of me. Actually met two women who were young Vietnamese helpers at the time and who took care of me at the orphanage. They told me stories of how I was as a baby and who my friends were. I found out that American and Vietnamese soldiers would often find children clutching to their dead mother and deliver them to the convent. Or they would kill the mother or father and take the child to the convent. There were many children who were abandoned at the hospitals and taken to the orphanages. The nuns tell me that most likely I was dropped off by soldiers. One estimate ( http://www.mrfa.org/vnstats.htm) listed 18,000 orphans in South Vietnam in 1975 and 20% of that number were children of mixed race. Out of the statistics and volumes of material generated about the war, I was happy to finally see Vietnam and Vietnamese people of today. It is a perspective hard to find.

As morbid and horrifying the facts are, it makes me see that good rises and exists even in the most bleak situations. I owe my survival to a lot of people. Making a life of love and success is the least I can do to prove their efforts were not in vain. And I felt right at home. I was born in Da Nang and it is where I will make another life for myself. My goal is to learn Vietnamese, buy property in Da Nang, and bring some business to their poor economy. Three months out of the year my wife and I will be in Vietnam. The southerners are tremendously warm and loving people. And the weather agrees with me (hot and humid). This trip has shown me a great path to follow in life. I see doors opening in front of me and the future looks even brighter than before.

posted in Adopted - 2 replies

State of CA search

xtinemac — Tue, 10 Jan 2006 07:26:12 GMT

This was the lady that helped me with my search. I am so sorry I have not posted this sooner. Berta is a great lady and NOT a rip off. She gave me more info that I ever expected. Check out her website. She's a class act.
And just so she knows who sent ya, please tell her it was Christine!

Good luck to you!

www.birthsearcher.com
Berta Wilder
(704) 732-1934

posted in Adopted - 2 replies

Begining the search

joytastic — Fri, 04 Nov 2005 00:09:27 GMT

Good Afternoon, all! I have a friend (sitting next to me at the moment) who is trying to reconnect with her birth family.

I was wondering if those of you who have searched/found your birthfamilies have any suggestions as to how she might start.

She was adopted in California, in 1980, and it was finalized in 1981, again in California. She had contact with her birth mother very briefly in the early 90's and thinks she may be living in the Tacoma Washington area. Her birth father was supposedly living in Arizona.

Do any of you have suggestions about how to go about finding them, or have done searches in those states before?

Thanks,
Meredith

posted in Adopted - 3 replies

my birth certificate is a lie

wesunruh — Wed, 04 Feb 2004 08:41:04 GMT

not that I was never born, but you get the idea..

so this is me introducing myself. I've been ghosting this tribe for a while, since I first signed up on tribe.net. For a number of reasons, I'm rabidly anti-private adoption, and I think most public adoption statutes are incredibly flawed. I live in Kansas, and if I'd been adopted in Kansas I'd know who my biological ancestors were..

instead, I was born in idaho, and to further obfuscate matters I'm a private adoptee, arranged through a doctor, a preacher, and a lawyer or three.. what digging I've done has only served to further instill a sense of disconnectedness.. if I had the money I'd probably get that genetic testing, figure out my ancestry. About a year ago I was very focused on adoption issues, especially on doing research into locating my biological relatives, until the strain of prodding my 'narcissistic wound' fractured an already instable relationship - without that emotional support thinking about searching, focusing on it, eats away all sense of familial connectedness and leaves me feeling hollow, irreal..

I was smuggled out of a hospital a few hours after my birth by the lawyer's secretary (according to all accounts) and to make matters more confusing, my parents apparently never recieved a decree of adoption (wtf?) all of which contributes to a sort of subconscious sensation that my life's been one long exercise in fiction (not THE MATRIX, more like THE TRUMAN SHOW, for those keeping score.) To feel real, I used to cut myself as a kid. eventually the cutting got me a six week retreat at a christian mental hospital in plano freakin texas. (nowadays if you're a cutter you can get a pretty decent gig onstage with a fetish troup)

so that's my introduction. nature? nurture? being a vegetarian transhumanist leftist raised by traditional conservative baptists in beef country I'd have to say nature.

posted in Adopted - 27 replies

For those who seek:

Mon, 12 Dec 2005 06:27:40 GMT

I've been thinking of my daughter since that day I last saw her through the glass in the hospital room. That was nearly 20 years ago. Please know that I and others like me placed many of you for adoption out of love and hope for YOU. Like you haven't heard it all before. It doesn't help us find each other, but it can be a comfort to know the origin of the emotion and intention.

I'm currently experiencing menopause (at 38! yuk) and it makes my thoughts of her even more painful. There is an empty place within me. Though events and situations couldn't prevent what took place back then, there is always hope for the future. I hope and so do all of you. Collectively we support each other. Peace.

Melissa Jade

posted in Adopted - 2 replies

I was found.... or was I even missed?

talisa — Wed, 07 Dec 2005 03:00:03 GMT

My half-sister found me after not knowing what happened to her for 35 years - never having enough answers to find her myself - never knowing she was looking - always wishing she were there with me. It has been no picnic. I always lived under the assumption that she was better off being adopted by professionals while we (4 children) lived at best, on welfare, became quite street smart, and fought for everything we ever got. I could never give up a child myself - and that's a product of a really poor upbringing and growing up in the streets. My children are loved & wanted & cherished.

This missing puzzle piece came to us trying to divide and conquer. She didn't want our mother - she wanted to hurt her for her perceived hurts. Our mother wasn't "loving" to those of us she kept and isn't going to change or beg forgiveness. This girl came speaking hatred of her new parents - went to them speaking of hatred of us. Comes with self-abuse - yet abuses all of us and all others who oppose anything she says. My father left when I was 1 or 2 - never supported - I forgave - I felt it, but forgave.

I guess my point is: It isn't personal - they didn't know you - they didn't see you and go, oh no - that's not a keeper. My father promised not to leave my mother if she gave my sister up for adoption...or so the story goes...do any of us really know the true story? He left...it changed nothing. There must be a lot of fear, pain, self-loathing, and a desire to make it all go away. Sometimes it isn't so good to know the answer to your questions. As they say, be careful what you wish for. There are people out there who have had the same parents their whole lives and can't fathom why they are rejected by THEM.

Then, you get to have your own...changes everything....you realize what a bunch of dumb-asses lots of people are all over the world to screw up such a great and fulfilling and ...I can't even describe it in words. It's LOVE ....some people are so caught up in themselves that they can't just give it away and accept what comes with that grand gesture.

posted in Adopted - 0 replies

Searching for brother

pagecare — Mon, 21 Nov 2005 17:06:11 GMT

Does any one have any suggestion on how to find a sibling? My father had a son and never had contact with him. The sons mother sent my father a letter about 12 years ago saying that my father was on the birth certificate and that her husband wanted to adopt him. My father never responded and I never found out the name of my brother. My father has since passed away and now I have no way of contacting my brother. Where do I start?

posted in Adopted - 1 reply

Imaginary meetings and faces

Sat, 29 Oct 2005 18:32:41 GMT

My "birthday" is coming and this is the time of the year where I usually start to feel blue. A couple of weeks ago I found myself squeezing my eyes closed tightly desperately trying to search for any image of what my biological mother's face looked like. As if buried in my subconscious mind I could somehow find an image. (I was 4 mos when found). All I could come up with is some weird amalgamation of faces I've seen somewhere else. Kinda like that Michael Jackson video where all the faces morph into others. Funny, but true.

Does anyone else fantasize about what your biologicals look like? Or do you ever imagine what will happen if you ever meet them? What would you say? Or what have you said?

posted in Adopted - 3 replies

Feeling Empty

Schpanky — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 00:46:26 GMT

Hola tribesters,
The other night, I ended up having a bit of an emotional breakdown (after partying a bit too much). I was talking to my sister (who my adoptive mother and father conceived after my older brother and I were adopted) about the fact that regardless of how much love I have received from my adoptive parents and how much love I have FOR them, there is STILL an emptiness there, having absolutely NO CLUE who my birth parents are and/or whether or not I have any siblings out there. I have all these questions about who I am, where I came from, and whether or not I will ever TRULY know myself without knowing who my birth parents and siblings are. While for the most part, I am TOTALLY happy with my life and usually don't think about it much, there are times when these feelings creep into my psyche and I can't get them out.

Now that I have a son everything is compounded by the fact that he too, is in a similar situation. My ex was from Mexico and I'm pretty sure he was a compulsive liar, so I don't know what to believe about his life and he won't provide any proof to support what he's told me. I fear my son will have the same struggles and questions about his father. My only solace is in knowing that I will be able to empathize with his situation.

Talking to my sister was futile.
She wasn't supportive (I think she was offended because she felt I should be more appreciative of our parents and "get over it.")

I just kept telling her, "You don't understand."

... but YOU DO.

Do any of you struggle with this empty feeling?
Have any of you sought out counseling?
What have you done to help you through this?
How do you cope?

FYI, I haven't exhausted all my resources in finding my birth parents/siblings. Up to this point, all I have been able to afford is my non-identifying information. I am registered on the international registry too. Any suggestions on things I can do to obtain identifying information at no cost would be fab too.

Gaia Groove

posted in Adopted - 11 replies

Just a Reminder

gangsterboyscout — Fri, 26 Aug 2005 15:32:51 GMT

Especially for us, Love & Fear: http://members.shaw.ca/yofrizb/

posted in Adopted - 1 reply

Inspired by your posts

Schpanky — Tue, 20 Sep 2005 19:02:43 GMT

Hey!
Your posts truly inspired me to seek more information and understanding on the psychology of being adopted. I figured I'd try to put off the expenses involved in counseling until I did a little more soul searching for myself (I mean, the reality is, I need to figure this out for myself and come to a place of acceptance one way or another, right?)

I went a little crazy and ordered 4 books on adoption for the adoptee ("The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child" Nancy Verrier, "Twenty Life Transforming Choices Adoptees Need to Make" Sherrie Eldridge, "Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness"
Betty Jean Lifton, & "Being Adopted : The Lifelong Search for Self"
David M. Brodzinsky)

I decided I'd read them in the order I received them. Primal Wound happens to be the first one. I am already 4 chapters into it! I think now it's a matter of looking at everything logically although, I must admit, so far, things are making sense.

I'll keep you posted on my findings!
bridget

posted in Adopted - 1 reply

Black Vietnamese and Susan Macdonald

muscleego — Thu, 04 Aug 2005 22:04:19 GMT

I'd like to know if there are any Black Vietnamese people on this tribe. I just got in contact with Sister Susan Macdonald who was responsible for at least 600+ orphaned children getting adopted during the Vietnam war. She is tirelessly still taking care of children and is a hub for people from many other orphanages. Her story is incredible and she is truly a living Saint. She continues her work unfunded and lives with the Sisters of Loretto in St. Louis. I plan to visit her next year and see if I can help with her efforts of helping other adoptees.

She put me in contact with 3 adoptees who are Black Vietnamese as well. I'm curious to find out who in San Francisco is here from that time and has a similar story. The orphanages I come from are Sacred Heart, To Am Nursery, New Haven, and Thanh Tam. It sounds like a lot but I kept getting transferred.

I'm going to Vietnam in December and bringing my video camera. Susan gave me a list of people I will contact who are adoptees and Vietnamese women who cared for the orphans. It will be an exciting journey back. I'm traveling with both my parents and my wife. We're going to Saigon, Da Nang, and Hanoi. It will be my first trip back and probably won't be my last.

I would love to hear from others with similar stories.

posted in Adopted - 1 reply

Anyone else here rejected by both birthparents upon "reunion"?

dancinbillie — Fri, 11 Feb 2005 17:21:21 GMT

Hi all, hope this finds everyone well.

I was curious to find out whether anyone else here was horribly rejected by both of their birthparents when located? And if so, how the hell did you deal with it?

In the early 1990s, when I was in my late 20s, I searched for and found both of my birthparents, as well as five half-siblings (one on my birthmother's side, four on my birthfather's side). My half-sister on my birthmother's side (who was also not raised by our birthmother but by her birthfather and his wife, as their own) is the only person in my birthfamily who was willing to take a chance on knowing me. That has been a blessing.

On the other hand, the rejection I experienced from the other blood relatives I found has continued to eat away at me, and it will be 13 years in March since the rejection by my birthmother and 12 years in December since the rejection by my birthfather. I can't seem to get rid of the anger and pain, though I've been in therapy for it. I continue to hurt and hate them for what they put me through, not only with regard to my adoption but also with regard to the "second rejection."

Any help? Thanks for your time and consideration.

Kim

posted in Adopted - 12 replies

What's your name?

Tue, 22 Feb 2005 23:49:28 GMT

Hi Everyone,
Turtle's post in a previous thread got me thinking about name changes.

Was your name changed when you were adopted? If you were older when you were adopted do you remember being called by a different name? Do or did you change your name back?

posted in Adopted - 20 replies

Visting Vietnam - thinking of trying to do a fundraiser for an orphanage...thoughts?

tiffercorn — Thu, 12 May 2005 17:05:08 GMT

I will be traveling to Vietnam in June as a part of a trip called "Operation Reunite: Homeward Bound." It is for all those babies at the end of the Vietnam war that were airlifted out and adopted by US families. I am one of those babies and World Airways is flying my mom and I along with 19 other adoptees and their guests. One of our stops will be to an orphanage and I was looking for ways to raise money to give to them. Please help me with suggestions. I was thinking of just sending out a mass e-mail for paypal donations, but maybe there is another way that would be more fun.
____________________________________________
The real need of ALL the orphanages is for Medical
Supplies, Equipment and MONEY. Considering the short time before departure, you might
Consider using the money you would use in purchasing supplies as a donation instead.
A more practical gift may be your own effort to obtain contributions from your friends and familiy.a dollar here, a dollar there. Or to make a small personal sacrifice in donating what you would spend on yourself. Place the money in an envelope, and if exchange is required, you will do that on arrival...afterwards you can have the pleasure of giving the envelop to them yourself.

posted in Adopted - 1 reply

Parent disclosure law: Irony & State Laws

Nick — Thu, 16 Dec 2004 13:25:51 GMT

In NY if I was native american they would have to tell me who my ancestors were.

Is it because of this country's shameful history, they don't want the rest of us or have us think our ancestry is important?

Is our ancestry any less important really (I realize there are cultural things about ancestral worship but...)?

What does anybody think parents should know if they adopt outside their racce?

posted in Adopted - 3 replies

RI - New Legislation

Ankhara — Mon, 11 Apr 2005 00:20:48 GMT

I recently received the following from Paul Schibbelhute
Vice-president of the American Adoption Congress. I thought it might be of interest to some of you:

On Wednesday, April 13, the House Committee on Health, Education and Welfare will hear House Bill H 6301. This bill would restore to adopted persons 21 years of age or older, born in the state of Rhode Island, the human right that virtually every other American enjoys: the right to obtain their original birth certificate. House Bill H 6301 a bill sponsored by Representative Joseph Scott of Exeter. A companion bill, S 0570 in the Senate is being sponsored by Senator Frank Ciccone of Providence. The House hearing is scheduled for a late afternoon session in Room 135 at the Rhode Island State House.

posted in Adopted - 0 replies

Birthdays

chaiguy — Tue, 15 Mar 2005 21:49:05 GMT

Well, my birthday is coming up (April 2nd) and I always seem to have a lot of issues on that day. It's the one day that I am guaranteed to think of my biological mother and wonder

"Is she thinking of me too?"

I really wonder that, maybe she isn't? Maybe she has expunged that day from her memory, let it fade. Is that possible? I dunno.

I've gotten better in the last few years. For a while my birhtday consisted of me drinking a case of beer and locking myself in my room. I had many birthdays away from family and kept my birthday a secret from my friends.

I've resolved most of those issues and now celebrate my birthday, but I'm wondering if your birthday brings up any issues for you? What kinds of rituals (if any) do you enjoy?

posted in Adopted - 7 replies

I've been a member for a while, but never posted before.

joytastic — Wed, 09 Mar 2005 23:46:29 GMT

There will, no doubt, be a lot of members who wish me to leave after this posting, and I'll respect their wishes if necessary, but I wanted to ask a question.

I read the postings, and listen to everyone, and a thought always goes through my head. I wanted to ask you all, because you have a point of view I could never have.

Do you think your lives would have been affected if you had had an open adoption? If your birthparents had been involved more in who your parents ended up being, and knew not only how you were raised, but was a part of it, however small?

I ask because when I first starting thinking about adoption, I wanted a closed adoption, because I didn't want to be a confusing, or interfering person in my child's life. I was counseled that open adoptions are far more healthy for the child for a lot of reasons, and healthier for both the birthparents, and the Real parents of the child.

What do you all think of that?

And as I said, I'm perfectly willing to sign out of the group if it bothers the members that I am a birthparent, and not an adopted child.

Thanks for listening, and I hope you respond,
Meredith

posted in Adopted - 7 replies

new member here

chazz — Fri, 25 Feb 2005 19:32:30 GMT

Hi. My name is Chazz. My friend Ksea told me about this tribe. I came here because I am involved in therapy right now and this week we finally got around to the adoption isssues.
The works begins here I guess and I hope that here I can find a community of people that can help me and that i can help back.

posted in Adopted - 5 replies

Pondering "the search"

CrimsonTygress — Fri, 04 Feb 2005 03:55:06 GMT

So, more and more lately I've thought about finding my birth family. I know it's something that I want to do, and something I need to do before I consider things like having kids.

What I was wondering is, what sort of costs can I expect to incur doing this? I know it was a closed Catholic adoption, my mother was a minor, and I was born in San Francisco in 1981. From what I understand there is a letter that some birth mothers are given to sign saying that it's alright for their children to try and find them later and it's about a 50/50 chance of it being in my file, and with the circumstances of the adoption I get the feeling that my chances are probably less than that. Has anyone else gone on a search like this? Did you need to hire a lawyer, anything like that? I'm just trying to figure out how much money I need to put away.

posted in Adopted - 6 replies

Book Recommendation

lumin0us — Tue, 08 Feb 2005 00:08:41 GMT

The Primal Wound --Nancy Newton Verrier

This book is wonderful! It's really helped me to understand myself better.

From the cover:

"a book which will revolutionize the way we think about adoption. In its application of information about pre-and perinatal psychology, attachment, bonding, and loss, it clarifies the effects of seperation from the birthmother on adopted children. In addition, it gives those children, whose pain has long been unacknowledged or misunderstood, validation for their feelings, as well as explanations for their behavior. The insight which Ms. Verrier brings to the experiences of abandonment and loss will contribute not only to the healing of adoptees, their adoptive families, and birthmothers, but will bring understanding and encouragement to anyone who has ever felt abandoned."

:-)

posted in Adopted - 3 replies

Operation Babylift

tiffercorn — Fri, 16 Jul 2004 23:36:07 GMT

I was born towards the end of the Vietnam War. The story my birth mother gave Holt International was that she had 3 other kids at the time I was conceived and had been struggling to feed them while her husband was far away fighting with the South Vietnamese army. She had "made contact" with a man to gain money to feed them and herself and got pregnant with me. When her husband returned wounded, he and his whold family knew that I was not his. She was forced to give me up, or be ex-communicated. I was born in Tu Du Maternity ward in the Saigon Hospital on Dec. 19, 1974, and separated from her at 3 days old. I was then placed in foster care, and not an orphanage thankfully. I was sponsored, and have sponsored Vietnamese baby girls in the same way through Holt. Back to the story...rumor was that when the communists arrived, they would dig a huge pit and cast all the half-breeds into it and set it on fire...thus began the evacuation and mass-adoption of Vietnamese children. I don't think I'm mixed, but there were many mixed babies whose mothers feared for their futures enough to place them in the hands and care of strangers. The first plane C5, crashed and all on the lower decks were killed. I was on the second plane that went through Gwam and landed in Seattle. I was there for a week and then flew to O'Hare Airport in early April of 1975. My parents lived in E. Peoria at the time. My Dad had been stationed in Okinawa during the war, and never had to see Vietnam. My mother joined him there for a year. It was there that they fell in love with the "oriental" people. After my Mother almost died in child-labor with my brother, who's three years older, they decided to adopt. Originally they wanted a Japanese baby, but instead of waiting seven years for one, they only had to wait 5 months for me. Unfortunately they split up because of my father's alcoholism, and this took place around the time I was to be naturalized. They thought that I was, that the judge tapped me on the head, but when I was 21, it turned out that they had not sent in the paperwork, had never received a "Certificate of Citizenship" and so I'm still not a US Citizen. I'm in the process now, but expect it to be another year or so. The Hague Convention was passed in 2001, allowing all babies adopted internationally to automatically be US Citizens if their parents are, but the act is not retroactive, which doesn't help me out. Anyhow, that's my story.

posted in Adopted - 5 replies

merging nature and nurture

mollygrue — Wed, 19 May 2004 08:13:14 GMT

Hi all,

Here's the question. Any advice for the merging of worlds when one has found their birthparents? If anyone whose adoptive parents have passed away has found birthparents, their advice would be especially appreciated. I suppose the issue here is the perceptions of betrayal that i am now facing. Of course, any input at all on soothing the inherent rift between the families would be welcome.

Thanks, folks.
Take care,
jenn

posted in Adopted - 6 replies

Support groups

Jennifer — Wed, 04 Aug 2004 16:48:06 GMT

Hi,

Have you ever been to a discussion group made up of people who were adopted? I am interested in finding people who have been adopted to see if we have similar experiences with self-identity and parents.

Jennifer

posted in Adopted - 3 replies

Love is love

Mon, 10 Jan 2005 23:37:32 GMT

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=1895&e=4&u=/nm/20050110/us_nm/court_gays_dc

I know some of you are anti-adoption, but what do you think?

It hurts me inside to know that there are people who would make great parents or who already are great partents and are not allowed to just because of their sexual preferences. People are allowed to breed thoughtlessly and carelessly and yet... It seems backwards to me.

posted in Adopted - 2 replies

Question for everyone

Thu, 08 Apr 2004 16:21:02 GMT

Do you think being adopted has interfered with your adult life and the relationships you have today?

If so, what have you done to work these issues out?

posted in Adopted - 28 replies

freaky adoption story

ty-techslave — Mon, 05 Jul 2004 04:40:31 GMT

my birth mom got knocked up in the back seat of a car.

fat with twins in the 1960's chicago, unwed homes and adoption were the only options my mom had. she'd have kept us if it had dawned on her.

me and sis luckily, were adopted together but that's pretty much where that luck ended. my adoptive parents were actors and we were their show pieces. they couldn't have been further in nature than our birth mom if they tried.

but that's the ole roll of the adoptive dice no?

we remember hearing we were adopted since cognitive thought kicked in. and for some reason the name of the adoption agency stuck in my brain. (surprisingly i can't remember it now)

our nutty adoptive family after years of insane violence and drama divorced when we were 8. then another 5 years of sporadic nuttyness with the mom. by 13 years of age me and sis were pissed off enough to cause great havock resulting in our ejection from the home.

we were sent to burbank california to live with our brother (adoptive family bro) who was 19 and spent much more time high than not.

so began the life every kid wants to live. almost. we spent our teens high, drunk, fucked, hungry, occasionally homeless, but free from insanity. got our first apartment at 15. what an amazing feeling to be that young and part of the adult world. i don't look back on any of it with anger. pure joy to be free.

life went on yada yada yada. this is where it gets freaky.

i'm about 28 years old. for some reason i figure it's time to find this birth mom. i remembered the adoption agency name and called them up. back in the day they were located in a hospital. that agency had since closed but all their records were kept in the basement and there just happened to be one case worker that delt with adoption records.

my file was in there. and off a letter goes to the address of my birth grandmother who never moved from the chicago area. fuckin lucky i say.

that letter set off a chain reaction of letters which led to the phone call.

i remember it. "hi toni(mom). this is your kid, ty."

we both shit bricks. neither of us could shut up. she is by far the coolest human on the planet. yak yak yak

when i asked where she was living, figuring it was chicago, i nearly fell off my chair when she said burbank california.

how do two people start in chicago and wind up in the same city some 28 years later? not only the same city but 3 blocks away? at one point my sister lived next door to her for 3 years and they never met.

we didn't look a whole lot like our birth mom but our mannerisms were ridiculously exact.

off we went to find the sperm donor. they didn't date much and when he found out mom was knocked up he pretty much split. turns out he went to vietnam and got rightly fucked up. alcoholic and abuser. he married a woman and they had a son. he died in 1978 from massive head injuries in a drunken car crash while chasing his wife to beat her more.

we met the wife and the son. (my half bro, chad) chad was the male version of me. incredible. we were given pictures of our dad. me and sis are the exact version of dad. with chick parts. unbelievably exact. (oh no, i couldn't inherit my mom's bodacious ta's)

i'm great friends with my birth mom. she has adopted two kids from the same woman, a boy and a girl, and raised them together.

i watch how she is raising them and feel small pangs of envy. the kids get to grow up in a loving free world where violence and insanity is something on tv.

i don't talk much to my adoptive mom who is very hurt by this. my adoptive dad is in jail which is a fantastic story in itself.

my brother has 4 kids, two of them are twins and a really cool wife.

the original birth certificate dilema:

having found my birth family i wanted to take my birth name.

my mom named me chris (which, on a weird side note was the name i spent my whole youth wishing and cursing that i had been born with. i even went so far as to dislike folks named chris out of childish jealously.)

i didn't want to take chris anymore but i did want to take her last name, mckenzie. i kept my nickname, ty and went to the local video store. got a video card in the name of ty mckenzie. took that to the social security office with mail in the name of ty mckenzie and i had a ss card. took that to the dmv and got my drivers license.

easy enough

but now i wanted a passport. i had tickets to fly to london with front row seats to a shakspeare play staring ralph fiennes.

seems you can't get a passport without a birth certificate. my birth certificate had my adoptive name on it. i had no id with my adoptive name anymore. i didnt use that name ever, no one knew me by that old name and i hated it.

i had to get my birth birth certificate. Illinois hadn't yet passed a law that allowed adoptees to receive a copy of their original birth certificate.

luckily my plane ticket was refunded but i never did get to see mr. man do shakespeare.

a few years later illinois passed a law allowing adoptees to receive a copy of their birth birth certificate if one of the birth parents signed it off. my mom signed and i was making plans to get my ass to london.

i went through a lot of hell to get this story so compact. nothing went really smooth. it was alot of red tape. but it worked out.

the end

posted in Adopted - 3 replies

Today is my birthday, kind of

Fri, 10 Dec 2004 16:38:20 GMT

Birthday schmirthday. Since I don't know my real birthdate, I always have these mixed emotions about celebrating it. I am a year older and it some kind of milestone(as if it doesn't happen to everyone else?!) but for the rest of my life, I have a reminder that I have no idea where I came from and when or how it all started.

As I get older, it's becoming easier to deal with since it's only 6 mos. of my life that is hazy, and from that time I have a record and I have tried to make the most out of what am given.

But I don't like feeling so sad every time my Birthday comes around.

Does anyone else face this?

posted in Adopted - 6 replies

my adopted brother's bio parents

Tracey — Fri, 08 Oct 2004 14:21:37 GMT

A bit of drama to follow -- please be patient. Am looking to see if anyone else has ever experienced anything similar.
Advice?

My older bro and I are both adopted and have hit our 30s. We come from a tight-knit Southern family where *home* is a big part of the culture we were raised in. Mom and Dad told us we were adopted since we can both remember. They're very devoted to us -- Mom overprotective, of course.

There are a few characters in this story, so let's get acquainted:

My bro -- He & I have a distant relationship. He tends to veer toward the quiet side of communication. He's a man's man -- likes to talk pro-Bush politics and sports mostly. Very confident, bordering on cocky. A former jock. Solid guy. Someone you'd trust, also very handsome and aware of that.

His wife -- Very sweet woman, easily flustered perhaps. Very breathy voice -- as though she can't stop running from thing to thing. Not a very focused person. Been married close to 10 years. Three kids with my brother. A people pleaser -- perhaps not the healthiest characteristic for someone married to a handsome former jock. She struggles to maintain power in the relationship. Very Catholic.

Mom -- You'd call her a "strong" woman if you loved her and a "bitch" if you hated her. An unwaveringly confident, generous-with-her-time woman. Type A personality. Sleeps 4 hours a night and always has an impeccably clean house. Carries the emotional burdens of many folks in her life. Best friend I've ever had -- not that we haven't had our worst-enemies moments too. Always lets you know her opinion, and doesn't allow many non-family people to know her well at all -- that includes the marry-ins. Her sisters are that way too, so it's not an adoption thing. Hails from a Southern matriarchy. Is certainly a matriarch herself.

Me -- Complete opposite of my brother. Left winger, traveler (much to my parents' chagrin), employed academic at a fine private university. Yoga teacher. Overly sensitive.

The situation:
My bro's birth parents came into his life a little over a year ago. His bio mom gave him up at 17 then reconnected with bio dad some years later. They married. My bro even has a full bio sister whose name sounds much like mine -- that was creepy-cool!

It was easier at first -- my adopted parents were hurt but gave it a shot. We liked the bio parents, who were kind and respectfully standoffish. My bro even seemed like a new person -- asked me questions about my life and listened to my answers for the first time EVER! I was so excited -- this guy I had idolized during my whole childhood was actually, finally interested in ME!

Sadly, that didn't last long. To make a long story short, my bro is back to being his emotionally distant, cocky self, and the bios are here to stay. They've got plenty of money -- more than my parents -- and are able to spend it -- but why wouldn't they want to, right? They've wanted to find my bro for years, and I guess they're making up for lost time.

What continues to happen, though, is that my sis-in-law -- who, it is very important to understand, never quite clicked with my mom (they're pleasant face-to-face but the backbiting has been horrible for years) -- grows increasingly closer with these folks. She's brought her own extended fam (she comes from a tight-knit, live-down-the-street-from-your-mama Southern fam too) into the picture too, and now she, her fam, and the bios hang out frequently like one big happy fam. This of course upsets my family.

My mom tries to talk to my bro about it, but he's as feisty and leave-me-alone about the whole thing as he's ever been about any issue. We really don't know how "into" his bios he is, though my sis-in-law is clearly increasing her intimacy with their extended fam. I get the conversational end of my mom's boo-hooing very often, and boy is it painful. I used to stand up for my sis-in-law for most of the years of her marriage to my bro, but I've lost patience with her since she's gotten close with the bios because of the grief it's causing my mom. And me. Recently I went to visit her, and I was riding in her car. The bio sister called. My sis-in-law was incredibly effusive on the phone, very gushy. When she hung up, she said, "I'm sorry about that. We just haven't talked with her in about two weeks." Please note here that my bro's fam talks with me about once a month. On a good month. And it's like pulling teeth to get my brother to talk, so I end up telling him about stupid things I'm doing, trying to get his attention. I used to try to keep up via my sis-in-law, but I don't feel comfortable with her any more.

Sense some jealousy here? I bet you do! It'll be even more apparent when I complain that my bro and his fam have visited the bios pretty frequently. They live about 6 hours away, and usually drive in a couple times a month. My bro's fam has driven to visit them too on several occasions. But even when I only lived 2 hours further away from the bios, my brother and his fam visited me only once. Over a three year period. Okay, I know, I'm whining.

Anyway, I need to make sense or resolution of this always-open wound. I can't help my mom and can't talk to my brother. I'm nurturing an unhealthy hostility toward my sis-in-law and feel like I'm losing connection with my niece and nephews. My family is falling apart, and my mom cries alot. Help?

posted in Adopted - 2 replies

introduction

sistersherryshaki — Thu, 23 Sep 2004 14:33:13 GMT

Greetings all,

My name is Sherry, and yes, my birthmother named me. I'm adopted - and have come full circle with my adoption - well, sort of. I have done my search - and found both my parents dead. My father died of old age - and my mother committed suicide. My brother and sister are still alive - although it was finally nice to hear my story and look into the eyes of kin folk - we have very little in common and speak to each other rarely.

I know my story seems vauge - but sometimes I have a hard time dwelving into the details - as it's very emotional for me.

If anyone has any questions regarding how I conducted my search - or if I can be of help to anyone just starting their search - please feel free to ask. I know what it feels like - I know how hard it can be -

posted in Adopted - 4 replies

Born Dec. 25, 1967 Oroville, California

Fri, 13 Aug 2004 04:18:59 GMT

Birthmom was incarcerated on a probation violation in Butte County Jail at the age of 36.
She had numerous children prior: 1964 San Francisco County, 1962/1963 Butte County, 1960 Tuolumne County, and in 1955/1954/1952 she had children too but I believe they were born closer to her birthplace in Indiana(1931).
Her maiden name I believe is Wreath. All her children were relinquished for adoption, at least up to me.
It is possible she was in Nevada, California and then maybe to Oregon....

posted in Adopted - 2 replies

For those who have found/searched for your birth parents...

Sat, 24 Apr 2004 05:59:01 GMT

Did you have a pivotal moment when you decided you were going to search?

What is some advice you would give someone who is just starting out? For instance, where does one start?

posted in Adopted - 4 replies

Hi I'm new and I'm glad your here

Wed, 23 Jun 2004 23:20:48 GMT

Hi, I am Summer and have just joined this tribe. I was adopted at 6 months of age and was in the custody of the state of California from the moment of my birth. My birth mother had at least 4 other children by different men so I have some biological siblings out there. My partner is also adopted and we have two biological children.

I am very interested in meeting my biological parents and sibling. Especially, since having my own children. There are traits that they both have that are not from my partner or my self. They both have the same birthmark on the same hand in the same place????.

The moment I saw my daughter for the first time it was like lightning struck and I felt in my bones a connection that was unexpected and new. Later my partner said something to the same effect. A good friend of ours looked at us and said this is the first moment that either of you has met someone genetically related to you.

I mention all of this not because I would change anything about my life but to acknowledge the impact that being adopted has had and continues to have on me.

I would love to hear your stories or parts of them.

posted in Adopted - 7 replies

Finding out new information

Thu, 24 Jun 2004 04:49:43 GMT

So I am visiting my hometown this week and I asked for the original documents from my adoption so I can make copies for myself. I was sorting through the folder my adopted mom saved for me and I realized that I was actually 2-3 months older than I thought I was when I was abandoned. It turns out I was 6 months old, not 3 and I was not found on a police station step as I had romantically thought, but I was found in the street with boils on the back of my head. This information has a pretty profound effect on me. I remember reading the documents once when I was younger, so I either I have a bad memory(I do) or over the years I have created this story in my head that protects me and hurts less than the truth.

My sister just had a baby and he is 6 months old. When I see them together, he looks at her with recognition and holds his arms out to her because he knows she is his mother. He is mobile and could crawl through the streets. It really makes me wonder about the moment that someone left me.

Mostly, through this, it has inspired me to go to Korea and at least see the places where it is documented I was. I have Korean documents that I would like to have retranslated just to make sure I am not missing any information because it might be all that I ever know.

For a long time I thought "Oh I am so over being adopted. I can accept it and it doesn't effect my life". I was very naive to think this because as I get older, it still surprises me what bothers me.

posted in Adopted - 2 replies

Matching criteria

Jennifer — Fri, 16 Apr 2004 22:35:14 GMT

I have just started reading books on adoption.

I was wondering what do you know about the different criteria that adoption agencies have for matching children with parents.

I found out that in the past religion was a big issue such that children had to go to adopted parents who shared the same religion as the birth parents.

Another issue was whether or not the children should look like the parents.

posted in Adopted - 4 replies

Welcome new members.

Wed, 31 Mar 2004 09:14:26 GMT

Hi to everyone who had joined recently. Please share something about yourself. Where you are from, or what your adoption story is or even just your favorite flavor of ice cream?

Ice cream - mint chocolate oreo or coffee heath toffee
Gelato - pink grapefruit

posted in Adopted - 12 replies

The Incalculable Weight of Separation

Wed, 31 Mar 2004 17:01:05 GMT

I'm new here, but not new to adoption. Here's how I feel about the subject...

M

Some have been so bold as to say
That blood sings
And if I were they, I might agree
But on the day that I was born
And the umbilical cord cut
My blood cried and cried

With official paperwork signed and firm
Handshakes passed around like cheap cigars
My blood, that of my mother and all of my Ancestors
Howled so hard and deep that it echoed
Through the hallways of that hospital
But heard only faintly by the lonely nurse
Who rolled me in that tiny orphan crib, towards
Blood that was strange to me

As years passed, I grew in size and understanding
My mind attempted to cull the broken whispers
That coursed through my veins
With reason, it addressed the supposed wisdom of the matter

Sometimes though, while in my bed, late at night
I would be awakened by the low keening dirge
Of a train horn far in the distance
And I would know, instinctively
That somewhere, someone else’s blood was weeping too

The blood through my heart beats quietly these days
With age comes resignation
Which in turn, rolls out the carpet towards
The busy, but always welcoming, arms of defeat

On occasion however, when wine flows and
Heady times burst forth
It awakens and like some badly tortured animal
Bites and snarls at its alleged betrayer

My blood has never sung. It never will

One day soon though I’ll arrive at my horizon’s edge
Where the silver cord will finally be severed
On that beautiful day
The broken fluid of my life
Will be forced from me and replaced with
A kinder one
It will not sing either, but neither will it struggle
And heave with the state of its own divorce
No, this other blood shall bring rest to my body
Until the end of time

3/25/04

posted in Adopted - 0 replies

Identity

Jennifer — Thu, 11 Dec 2003 00:34:40 GMT

Hi,

I was adopted as a baby from Taiwan by white american parents. I also have an adopted brother from Taiwan.

I have had a few identity issues. I wonder who am I? Is my personality, the way I think, the way I do things, due to the culture I was raised in? How much do my genes dictate who I am? I also sometimes feel excluded from society based on my skin color even though I am culturally "white american."

I was just wondering if other people have identity issues and wonder what some of the issues are.

Also, how close are you to your parents? Do you live near them or have you moved far far away? I do not feel very close to my parents. They are good people, but I don't talk to them weekly. And I moved all the way to Seattle so it is hard to see them frequently since they live in Alabama. I don't like visiting them and only do so like once a year.

Jen

posted in Adopted - 9 replies

Newbie--anyone met birthmother?

T-Laurel — Fri, 13 Feb 2004 12:05:26 GMT

Hi, All. I read over some of the messages here. It's comforting to know others feel the same basic alienation I do.

This was compounded for me when I finally found my birth mother. She turned out to be a Southern Baptist who had 2 "legitimate" daughters later in life and never told them about me because she thought it would encourage them to have sex before marriage. (They're both married now, so I don't know what her excuse is unless she simply remains ashamed of me.) We exchanged photos and letters for awhile, but never met in person. As far as I could tell, this relinquishment thing derailed her from her life and she never grew into the woman she should have been.

She doesn't communicate with me anymore (the past 2 years or so) and I never found out who my father is. Very frustrating. I tried so hard not to fantasize about my birth mother so I wouldn't be disappointed, but I expected someone "like me" in some way. While I looked a lot like her when I was younger, we seemed to have nothing in common at all. I am glad to know more than I knew before, but the void has NOT been filled for me in any way.

I'm 38, a creative writer and English prof in Memphis, TN.

posted in Adopted - 4 replies

Will you adopt?

Jennifer — Wed, 03 Mar 2004 20:08:34 GMT

After having the experience of being adopted, will you adopt children of your own, why and why not? Also, would you adopt internationally, within the US, across race barriers?

posted in Adopted - 9 replies

Picture

Jennifer — Wed, 03 Mar 2004 19:24:58 GMT

Do you have any pictures of you and your parents?
It might be fun to show families with their adopted children in the photo album of this tribe.

posted in Adopted - 0 replies

Talking to your Adoptive Parents

Wed, 25 Feb 2004 21:55:04 GMT

Lately, I have been thinking a lot how my adoptive parents raised me and how little we ever talked about me being adopted. I feel angry, hurt and sad that so little was ever spoken and resolved. It was always just a fact of life for me. Instead of talking about it and facing the feelings that come along with being adopted we just ignored it.

As I get older I realize there are issues I need to resolve. I would like to talk to my parents, but I am not sure how. I just recently read a book by a Korean adopted and she said she wrote her mother a letter.

Does anyone have a similar experience they can share with me? Or any advice?

posted in Adopted - 7 replies

Divorced parents and step-parents

Jennifer — Wed, 25 Feb 2004 19:18:32 GMT

Has anyone been adopted, then later have their parents split up and then were adopted again by a step-parent?

posted in Adopted - 0 replies

Adoptee watches the matrix and snaps

Matt — Wed, 31 Dec 2003 18:34:43 GMT

Check this out
http://www.washingtonpost.com/ac2/wp-dyn?pagename=article&node=&contentId=A14233-2003Nov25&notFound=true

An adoptee kills his adoptive parents

Matt

posted in Adopted - 2 replies

Adopted's topics - tribe.net

Staring myself in the face

Finding out about my Birthmother

classmates.com

...day's in between...

GSA, International Adoption, Forced Adoption, other issues

AdoptedOnline.com - Social Network for Adoptees!

Birthdays

Birth Psychology - Excerpt that resonated with me I want to SHARE with YOU

Angelina Jolie

on my way "home"

Would you adopt?

KAD's

The lack of rights for adoptees is such bullshit.

The Primal Wound feedback

Any other adoptees who have *no* parents left? (Or who searched and found their birthmother had already died)?

Freakonomics (Or how two idiots got rich in America)

Hello, from an International Adoptee

Was hoping to get a response to my post (anyone else who has no parents or whose birthmother died)...

favorite book on adoption

My pet peeve

I want to adopt! Hit me, please!

New group: Ugly Ducklings - foreign-born adult adoptees in U.S. and others

Looking to make some new connections with other adoptees (esp. bay area but other areas welcome too)

Famous Adoptees

I got my passport yesterday!!!!!

Swing the Door Open!

State of CA search

Begining the search

my birth certificate is a lie

For those who seek:

I was found.... or was I even missed?

Searching for brother

Imaginary meetings and faces

Feeling Empty

Just a Reminder

Inspired by your posts

Black Vietnamese and Susan Macdonald

Anyone else here rejected by both birthparents upon "reunion"?

What's your name?

Visting Vietnam - thinking of trying to do a fundraiser for an orphanage...thoughts?

Parent disclosure law: Irony & State Laws

RI - New Legislation

Birthdays

I've been a member for a while, but never posted before.

new member here

Pondering "the search"

Book Recommendation

Operation Babylift

merging nature and nurture

Support groups

Love is love

Question for everyone

freaky adoption story

Today is my birthday, kind of

my adopted brother's bio parents

introduction

Born Dec. 25, 1967 Oroville, California

For those who have found/searched for your birth parents...

Hi I'm new and I'm glad your here

Finding out new information

Matching criteria

Welcome new members.

The Incalculable Weight of Separation

Identity

Newbie--anyone met birthmother?

Will you adopt?

Picture

Talking to your Adoptive Parents

Divorced parents and step-parents

Adoptee watches the matrix and snaps

Any other adoptees who have no parents left? (Or who searched and found their birthmother had already died)?